Slightly Shot-gunned.

Temporary illness can be like a guilty conscious. 

Though it might have not been avoided, you still feel like you could have prevented it. It will live with you though out the whole malaise, stubborn as your will to fight it. And still lingering now in the aftermath. A set back is a set back i suppose. However, it will take a miracle to let it be just a coincidence in the mind of someone who owes his time to those who have no time. And it will take a miracle for those to forgive him who he continually disappoints. 

At home I've been listening to quite a bit of Brahms. Seamless, unlabored and erupting. I wish I could speak that way. With finesse and determination. No flourishes, but to the point and well received. My first paragraph doesn't seem like much an effort, but I will continue to try. 

But the unity of composition comes from clarity of conscious. Not just a single idea, but a awareness of a singular moments or many moments. Whatever the length and whatever the mode, consistency comes from awareness of your entire self as well as your medium. I understand that this could become pretense for an active waiting. Patience is important, but true work begun " your either on the verge of success or total failure". I believe that what evinces the success is that total awareness of medium and metaphysics. 

Now go and be aware! 

Music- Brahms- 3rd Symphony- Poco allegretto III movement

    -Mogwai

    -Grateful Dead- Ripple

Movies-Into the Wild

August is cruel too.

I find my self twenty-one.

Eating the truths omitted.

I find my self never needing an excuse to be late.

But rather need and excuse to be just kind.

I could find myself without a job without a dime,

If only to mention something cheaper down the line.

I found that the truth is sold,

Kept under lock and key.

I know that justice is not blind,

If it was, how would lawyers make money?

I know without someone to love,

Surely I am doomed to destroy.

I am fond to sew all wounds,

But they just won't sit still.

I in those ranks know the frustration all the same,

Screaming so wounded, seeking someone else to blame.

I will try it again and breathe forces me too,

But I'll do it without a glint of hope, until I.....

One...Two...Three?

It's all part of the ride they say...

Yes I enjoy the stories as much as the next guy. But when to much abuse callouses you not only to the situations but the people...soon you'll put cigarettes out on your skin. 

(I know that I was going the do the nobel thing and work for the ACLU and help people who were being abused, but I find myself not liking those people) [gross misquote from dazed and confused] 

Those who abuse at sometime or another are quoted saying i wish i wouldn't have, and those on the other side of the fence saying should of. The overdramatic dance towards the middle. 

as long as i am breathing i will fill my voids with something. substance seems to lose its weight against the stubbornness of ego. 

Turn, turn, turn to the wind and the rain. 

"O come, angel band

  come and round me stand". 

Music- Sigur Ros- New Album

Thrice- Alchemy index: Earth and Air

Song: my latest sun is sinking fast

Movies: Wall.e

  

Two Decades and a Year.

Way to much power for a odd number. 

You feel strangely powerful...but to do so very little. 

Right, it will make somethings easier but won't really change anything. 

Heres to future uninhibited headaches. 

And heres to never being able to escape inhibition. 

Bottoms up. 

If I was...Then I wouldn't Be.

I feel congested.

 Half my mind, half my heart.

 Tin man Sam. 

I take one step at a time.

 

Every-step is a stubborn new.

Exploring just to avoid.

what my half mind,

& half heart know to be true.

 I am the hunters dream. 

with my head on the wall,

I will not fall,

Just as well between heaven and hell.

Been a Long Time Since I Rock' n Roll (ooo let me get it back)

Devotee's will be glad that I am still alive. (Maybe) 

I am currently typing at a cafe down the street. My local wifi mooch.  Dont worry I bought something.  

I am ramblin' and gamblin' , its seems so very long since I had solid ground. I'm waiting on so many letters. I'm waiting for them to tell me my life. Its quite chaotic to sit and wait. What happened to the patience, the man on his back kicking to shore. This is isn't the time cling to marquees and the failure of role-models, and it isn't the time to wait for something better to come along. I just sit here and eat my bagel. Then head to the next task. 

I will be very busy this summer, regardless of the letters written. I hope this is not a jynx I tend to fall into. I say something and do just the opposite. I call it...wasteofspaceitis. If I am not a fraud, come visit me. I will give me something to work for...and I mean that. (Mom your time will come).  

While this post is of little depth, thought or relevance (in the cosmic sense)...every once in a while you just want to put something down. Even bad foundations work for a while...

Salute! 

Music- A Silver Mt. Zion- God Bless Our Dead Marines

   - Sparta- Wiretap Scars

   - Led Zeppelin- III  

   - Ellis- www.myspace.com/ellisdenton (support local taylor) 

Don't Fear the Reaper

Took this while walking home with Kev. It speaks for its self.

Finals are in full effect. The word sucks, so does the task. Education should acknowledge the terminology of medicine and law, "practice"...cause few things are absolutely final. Medicine is far more loyal to the term than law, law has the habit of rooting things in the name of convenience and rarely in justice.

"This is will be one nation, under the dollar, with liberty and justice for none"-Lisa S.

Education determines that there is no room for improvement or progress...learn, test, end. I guess this is my cry in the dark, for I have upset the system more than one time. This could be an effort respect the teachers that dared and defied...that it wasn't about the facts but the unknown. To know that you'll never, know and still seek it. We push so fast to get into the cubicles, into the fenced back yard, into the 401K. This isn't about survival its the human experience of compassion, choice, and reflection. 

Hitting the ground running is impossible. Don't worry, if you can put the food on the table what more should you have to worry about. Creepy to think about living just to survive. You may not know many people who do just that, but we've heard of them...we see them... we walk right on by. So all this testing is for what? Security? Investment? The reason we learn could so that we understand how to work intuitively, and gain as much perspective as possible, forever. Not so someone else tells us that we can work. Modern jobs don't want free thinkers. They want precut, pre-formed, precision instruments. The numbers and letters say so much more than word of mouth does anymore. It seems like a waste of humanity it ignore the eager. We should install more apprenticeship programs! Sure you can get a decent job, administrative assistant, Mac Specialist. But there is a responsibility to the eagerness. Its a shame for the anxious to get lost in stubbornness of greed. Education seems to prepare us for confinement, specialization, and contempt...Be careful of the large buildings springing up around you, I will stick to my scythe. 

Good luck to all dealing with your finals.  

(any irony is noted: im working on it) 

Music-Thrice- A song for Milly Michealson 

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss-Through the morning, through the night. 

Raconteurs-Carolina Drama

The fear you get in the morning.

Get rid of my hedge, so that I may truly know God. 

I know these are not just paper tigers. But I don't know what to do first. I can explain myself out of duty, so what am I really doing? What have I ever done? In the morning before the bright light of day, at the edge of the bed, blue tones promise little but the sun on the other side. So everything you've known before you had ever know light floods in.  

"enough of this terror, we deserve to know light and grow evermore lighter and lighter"

-joanna Newsome

there is not enough space here, ill continue this later. 

Movies- Malcom X

Music- Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Sandpaper

This conversation took place between Kevin and I.

Its on facebooks odd new chat thing. 

I don't approve. 

War? Huh?

Kevin how does that fix anything?
Lucas you wanted action not a solution. like war.
Kevin interesting blanket statement, sir
Lucas i do my best.
Kevin ever heard of a war you felt was justified?
Lucas no. you?
Kevin probly
idealism is all well and good
but war is still a fact of life
Lucas indeed it is but, acknowledging it as a solution will only waste life.
Kevin i think world war 2 was justified
it will always be a waste of life
Lucas a fact of life being a waste of life. that make sense for animals. i should not for us.
Kevin how does that make sense for animals and not for us?
Lucas their survival depends on dominance, territory, food, and procreation. we have the elements of cognitive thought, communication, ideas and emotion. i can't spell it completely out but we should be able to avoid this. we have power to perceive infinitely, but deal with things so finitely .
Kevin no we don't
for one, we're still bound by state of nature
Lucas i never said that we weren't.
Kevin hell, ideas and emotion are less tangible than conflict
it we were the intellectual powerhouses that you suggest than we wouldn't be in this type of world
Lucas but they are what spurn the conflict.
Kevin we are still animals
Lucas eh, no matter how much hatred and ignorance i see, i believe that people can truely understand the state of things, given the proper trigger.
Kevin and yet no matter how much understanding there is, it is always crushed by violence
this is why anarchism will not work
and communism will not work
because a power vacuum will always be exploited in our current state of existence
hell
we don't even consider ourselves animals enough to even attempt to live in natural equilibrium with the world
Lucas right which is why i said we the ability to percieve things infinitely and deal with them finitely.
we become to reactionary. we get so itchy and tense. what inspires us will kill us.
Kevin i don't think we can perceive things infinitely
our perceptions are still wrapped in ideology
Lucas i believe we can. but the problem lies when our perceptions become our facts.
exactly.
to rise above you must know that you know nothing.
doubt gravity?
Kevin but all of this is still ideology
there are limits to our ability to even confront ideas
Lucas well known.
are they absolute limits?
Kevin there's no way of knowing that
which, ironically, i think demonstrates our limits
Lucas is there a difference between knowledge, awareness, and acknowledgement?
Kevin yes
well
to an extent
i guess that depends on your definition of knowledge
Lucas damnit. simplifying everything would help one bit.
Kevin isn't that part of the problem?
Lucas simplification?
Kevin yeah
Lucas why is that a problem?
Kevin that's how you end up with 'brown people are subhuman'
things are always complicated
Lucas i dont mean a regressed compartmentalization...i mean getting rid of specialization. a re-evaluation of what is important.
Kevin you think that's possible?
or beneficial?
what would that even entail?
Lucas presently, no. i dont know how to do that.
i dont know how make it self-evident.
i hope for it.
Kevin yeah
you'll start a movement and then get offed by some paramilitary police
haha
Lucas in the line of fire.
thats why i hate secrecy. cause in order to be effective you need to be blameless in your cause...but with certian things withheld...they will get you on a technicality.
Kevin and yet a cause is still just a cause
running up against other causes
all equally valid

Lucas invaild.
Kevin how so?
Lucas when is the last time pressure actually changed something?
Kevin how does that make one cause valid and one invalid
or point of view, i guess
Lucas no i mean all causes are percieved as invalid.
Kevin how so?
Lucas im being sardonic.

if you made it this far you get a prize.(prize will not be honored)

can you halt progress to tell people its not necessary?

will we even be heard? seems not?

Will someone let me know if I am wasting my time.

Music-Alkaline Trio-Jaked on Green Beers.

New Thrice album is special.

PAX

Building a Argument

"This just a thing. Things can be replaced, lives cannot" 

Focus is very hard. It seems mundane in this world of infinite substance. There so many wonders that can not and will not be possessed. 

"What I want and what I need, is and will always be free" 

The great misery of knowing that you do not know everything. 

Strive to know it all knowing that you never will. 

Music-Iguazu- Gustavo Santaolalla

Brothers & Sisters

Thanks to those I found in Metro DC.

        Make sure I only make a partial fool of myself.

Leading Mans - Music by Kevin & I (more to come)

happy monday.

The Answer?

See something that moves you and make it move.

Share it. 

photo courtesy of Lauren's FaceBook

The Digital Sea. The Cloud. The Void.

The relationship of man and computer has always been understood. The variables are logically entered and the outcomes are assumed. The inevitability the error of human input has brought extensive beta testing. But often the unforeseen glitch comes along, the result of almost miraculous chance. The picture above is a screen cap from quicklook...a new feature of leopard. It’s an ordinary document that gave an interesting result. That is, the direct screen cap. No alterations. Just a remarkably congruent glitch. It’s absolutely wonderful. Its like seeing cells for the first-time. Not only is this a reminder of human input but a miracle of human error.

 

The phrase chaos breed’s life comes to mind. All this concentration and error proof reasoning cannot and will not hold up to us meddling with our own inventions. Even Bill Gates has to update his firmware.

 

So what is the future of this giant cloud of technology? Are weon the brink of creating something so volatile that it controls us. That even though we expect it to do certain things, it in the same respect expects something of you. We rely on it to put things into place with impeccable precision, immediately. Mr. Computer Consumer have pity on the Programmer. They don’t want to have make decisions about your laundry, grandma’s birthday, what to get your wife... we know you want them too.

 

We have to appreciate the power of this industry. I’m not sure how... I can see the connections and images...but not how to stop the cloud from consuming us all. (I am aware of the Irony)

 

How can we complete what it started? How do we keep our bodies in it? How do we realize the Organic in the inorganic?

 

(A lack of better words)

That is all for now. 

Don't want to force it.

Don't want an epitaph. 

Tah-tah.